IDoThisBecauseILoveYou-RedPaper

I do this because I love you | RedPaper.in

RedPaper.in – Short Story
By: Mercy Sangma | Guest Writer - RedPaper.in

It wasn’t the first time my cheeks were stung by his flashing hand. Six months ago when I came home late after dinner with a male friend, he pulled my hair and banged my head against the bed. A year back when I came home drunk after lying to him that I had gone studying, he punched my face and spat on me and tagged me – ‘an immoral girl’ who lied in the name of studies. But wait, he is not a bad guy. He brings me flowers after that, kisses me and wraps me in his arms. He cares for me, protects me and is always there for me after I had had a bad day. Maybe I am too rebellious which makes him lose his temper sometimes. He is the best guy I could ever have and I would never find another.

That night was just a fortnight ago when I found myself in the hospital. “How could you let this happen?”, my friend asked, her voice breaking, her eyes moist. I looked away to stare at the blank wall, my pulse racing. I was four days in the hospital as they tried to get the non-prescribed medicines out of my system. I went back home along with my friend, never hearing from the ‘best guy I could ever have’. He called me after two days and when I refused to answer his call for the first time in three years, my phone blinked. A message – “I’m sorry baby, you know I do this because I love you”.

The reason I never disclosed the truth about what was going on in my relationship was because I was not only afraid of my friends’ judgement, but of mine too. Focusing solely on the constructive dribs and drabs of our relationship, I believed that I was part of a young vivid couple. After all, on good days, we were passionate lovers never wanting to leave each other’s sights. The so-called good days are what made me blind; oblivious to the fact that I was in a relationship with an abusive narcissist. When you are in a relationship with a narcissist, everything is heightened. When things went good,he viewed me highly. It felt so rewarding to bask in the glory that I chose to ignore the clear red flags. And it became increasingly harder to move away from him. Attention proved to be a strong and taut string. The truth I hid was that he consistently exerted control over my life, and reprimanded me when I crossed ‘his’ lines. His loving actions of bringing me flowers after abusing me, was nothing but a mask he liked to put over his narcissist abusing self who felt powerful exerting dominance on his partner.

I wish I never had to learn it the hard way. I wish I was confident enough to tell myself that I did not deserve this violence. There were days I couldn’t feel my heart and felt numb to my ears. As if a pin was making way through my heart, the agony more overwhelming than that one time I burned my thigh. Days of excruciating pain I felt in my gut, making my head feel dizzy as if I was having a bad migraine. Days which has led me to be numb, so much so that now I feel comfort in my numbness.

A person closest to me once told me a beautiful thing-

“Love is not only for the good days. If a person cannot love his partner in the worst of days then there is simply no love”.

Feature Image: WallDevil

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