Living in Fog | RedPaper.in
By: Nitya | via Write-for-RedPaper
Imagine an average kid. Average at academics, average at art, average (O.K less than average) at sports…you get the picture. Average at just about anything. Now this kid has grown up(by this I mean over 21), and is still average at everything. Add depression to the mix. Hand in hand with depression comes lack of motivation, sluggishness, lack of memory, loss of brain cells etc. and that average becomes less than average.
I hate hindsight. Hindsight tells you where everything went wrong. It tells you what you could have done to make it better. It shows you a glimpse of an amazing future that you could have had, had you done things differently. Hindsight makes you feel terrible about yourself. Yes it shows you your mistake, but does it allow you a chance to correct your mistake? No. It just makes you dwell on your past, and sink into the inky black unending well of depression.
You think the Marianna trench is the deepest point in the world? My well of depression goes on for fathoms below that.
And that’s where I am most of the time. When I am in this well, someone else lives my life. Someone else talks, moves, works. And that someone is not someone who wants to do all this. She doesn’t care what the outcome is. She doesn’t care what the results are. She just exists. She doesn’t live. And she has taken over my life while I am trapped in the stupid well! In the beginning I have screamed to be let out, have bloodied my fingers trying to get out, but the walls were too long, too sharp and they dragged me down every time. And now I have given up. I will live trapped inside my head and pseudo-me will go through the motions of my life with no life. The worst part is I don’t mind. I am comfortable in the darkness. I am beginning to like it here. The darkness is my comforter. The fog in my brain, a pillow. And it is so easy to let go and let the blackness take over.
That in a nutshell is me. A less than average ‘grown up’ battling the demons inside her head. Every day I have to deal with negative thoughts, stretches of laziness interspersed with bouts of forced activity, and a general feeling that the most perfect thing to happen would be the world ending.